10 Tips For Coping With The New Lockdown Measures

LOL

We’re fucked. I didn’t think we were before but now I do. I really do. I made the absolutely shameful mistake of taking a peak at Instagram and people in many other developed countries are literally eating in pubs, getting their hair done, not living under the constant threat of police state, vaccine scarcity, DEATH and the total collapse of the healthcare system. 

Once when I was at a voting booth this little old woman turned to me and asked ‘Which candidate is Doug Ford?” to which I replied ‘Please don’t talk to me.’ I used to feel pretty bad about this but now I do not. You boned us little old lady, I hope you enjoyed your Buck-A-Beer or whatever the fuck. 

All this being said. Here are some ways to cope with the never ending nonsensical murderous classist pandemic response that plagues us all.

Scream 

Just do it. Who cares. Your neighbors will understand.

Start a fight with your partner 

Yeah you’re upset about things that are not at all their fault in any way shape or form. While you should be getting closer to one another through your shared rage, a good way to take your mind off of things is to put your mind onto different things.  

Sorrow Order Garlic Bread 

You can have bread. That summer beach bod is legally not allowed to be observed by others under these new measures. Nothing matters, get the dips too fuck it. 

Call Your Conservative Family Member and Hang Up When They Answer The Phone 

Do it all night. Make a pattern so they can predict it and then switch up the intervals. Keep em on their toes. 

Order Another Pair of Slacks Online 

Green, Brown, Black, my motto is you can never have enough of slacks!

Make a Mood Board and Manifest A Brighter Future 

Right now mine just says ‘don’t get covid’ ‘don’t give anyone covid’ and ‘slacks’ over a photo of 90’s era Skeet Ulrich. 

Read the Replies 

I generally don’t recommend this because people on the internet are the worst existing ghouls, but we have all collectively joined the same team at this point and its cathartic to watch people bully the Conversative Leaders responsible for this absolute fucking catastrophe. 

Go Outside Anyway 

I am all for measures. I am all for masks, but transmission from outside is low. People exercising or walking are not super spreading this thing all over town. When I leave the house, I am safe. I treat others respectfully and give them space. I will absolutely lose my mind if I’m not able to exercise or go on a walk. The threat of a 750 dollar fine looms, which is big for an out of work person who writes a blog that no one reads. But I’m doing it anyway. 

Do 15 Bicep Curls and Look At Photos Of Sarah Connor 

No explanation needed. 

Protect The Racialized and  Marginalized People that will be for sure Disproportionally Targeted By Police For Their Newly Legal Random Checks 

Record, intervene, use your privilege in any way you can if you see this kind of shit happening.

Our Government is trying to police their way out of a pandemic. What else could we expect from Doug Ford, the answer to the question, what if the feeling of cleaning someone else’s urine from a toilet seat were a person. 

Do your best, stay tough and share any tips you have for managing in these most trying times.