Will Watching The Worst Movie Imaginable Make Me Feel Better?

Tonight my depression has reached a harrowing new low. 

I waited until the sun set, poured myself a glass of no frills wine and turned on Fifty Shades Freed. 

I am at a weak point I will admit. I thought it might be nice to turn my overactive brain off for two hours while just stuffing it full of horny imagery. Not surprising, I feel worse. 

What can really be said about this movie at this point (3 years after it came out?) 

I’m 31 minutes in and they have had sex three times, gotten jealous of colleagues and hired staff twice, alluded to a dangerous man subplot (that I have no context for having not seen the first two) and disagreed about children the night after returning from their honeymoon (a conversation best had *before* you legally chain yourself to another person)

I am one glass of wine in and I’m not having fun. For a handsome millionaire Dom, Christian is pretty cucky, seems insecure too. Not great. 

Annastasia is more likeable because Dakota Johnson is an angel. Her friend just asked her to have drinks and she has to convince her bodyguard to let her go and not to tell her husband. The idea of a man caring where I am is very nice, but not like this. Never like this. 

Okay I am pouring my second glass of wine. I usually don’t drink very much but I keep reading about the benefits of wine and also Ontario is still more locked down than Christian Grey’s wife (50 Shades joke) so this is how I am coping today. 

Ok her friend is telling her that Christian lied to her and also convincing her to get more drinks. To have a drink with a friend in a bar. What a joy. Dakota better stick around and indulge in this simple pleasure. 

She just said ‘I’m gonna get in so much trouble’ because she’s staying out and having another drink. This movie could be an allegory for Doug Ford’s oppressive and nonsensical measures. He is our Christian Grey. 

Christian called her 6 times in a row. Her bodyguard ratted her out to her husband and now he’s pissed that she went out for drinks. Is this supposed to be hot? 

She’s home now and the lights won’t go on. There’s a random man with a knife?? He has it to her throat, perhaps another allegory for living in Doug Ford’s Ontario. 

The bodyguards have upended the assailant. They asked Annastasia for handcuffs and surprise surprise she has them. Cheeky! 

Christian is mad at her, she just woke up and he’s there and he’s PISSED. If I had a husband it would bring me immense joy to piss him off all the time. He’s doing sulky avoiding stuff now though. He just sexually rejected her. Wow a high price to pay for having drinks. 

50 minutes in and we’ve finally reached the sex dungeon. This dude has jeans on and is putting a vibrator on her boobs. Should I ask my doctor about SSRI’s finally? 

These people in this movie are very toxic. I myself am trying not to be toxic. That’s why I write this blog and go for walks everyday and exercise and listen to health podcasts and give my relationship tons of healthy space and read books and delete instagram and cuddle with cat and honestly, I just don’t feel today that these efforts are enough. I have been a good girl (unlike Annastasia Steele) and the world feels like oppressive and denim clad (much like Christian Grey)

Christian Grey is playing cuck anthem Maybe I’m Amazed by less cool Beatle (sorry dad but you know I’m for John) and Rita Ora is shocked that he is playing out loud. Now they’re in the bath. I tried to take a bath the other day hoping it would magically cure the malaise, like I could drain it with the water. Not so. 

I think he just put like… apple juice on her thigh. Apple juice is so high in sugar, have you ever noticed? Anastassia won’t be the only one coming (ants)

Now they’re having super regular looking sex on a table in a chalet. 

His brother just said ‘Christian never cries’ which I find gross and unsettling. Everyone in this movie is hot but no one is attractive, does that make sense?

Today I’ve thought a lot about the long term effects of social isolation. I know why we’re doing it and I strongly believe in it but it does get hard. Annastasia Steele isn’t really allowed to see her friends either : (

Someone in this movie is proposing in a nightclub to Annastasia’s friend but earlier that day we saw another blonde woman touch his face. Oh my god they are dancing in a bar. It’s CROWDED. 

Now they’re on a private jet. 

Now they’re back in the dungeon and he has jeans on again and I am not understanding the jeans thing at all.  Perhaps another allegory. 

Perhaps I don’t know what allegory means. 

LOL ok she’s pregnant now. She’s gonna have a kid with the guy who won’t let her have drinks with friends. 

He’s mad because he HAD PLANS FOR US and he wanted to GIVE HER THE WORLD. 

This man is leaving. He’s mad at her for getting pregnant but blows in her while wearing his jeans like 30 times a week. Incredible. 

I’m actually starting to feel better. This is actually starting to make me feel better. 

He just showed up at home drunk. His acting is very bad in this scene and that too makes me feel good. He’s no longer mad that she went and got pregnant. He hasn’t told a joke this whole movie. 

He’s like talking to her belly saying that the baby is going to take her from him. Guys, this is a red alert. Annastasia is in danger. Don’t marry someone who gets jealous of their own unborn son. We all know what that leads to.

She just told the bodyguard they’re leaving for work in 20 minutes and then got into the shower and got her hair wet. Impossible.

They just fought because Christian went to see his ex (‘a woman that taught you how to fuck as a child’ [YIKES]) and Annastasia is prepared to have this baby without him. 

The random assailant just called her and is saying he abducted Rita Ora? He says he wants her job. Damn she’s having a pretty bad day. 

She’s taking 5 million out of some account to pay the assailant and Christian is on the phone saying it doesn’t sound like her. Not sure he’s ever listened to a word his wife has said because he’s constantly mad at her for being such a poor sub. 

She’s being extorted I guess. This took a real turn. 

Oh her like work friend is abducting her now too? 

She’s in the hospital now. 

Christian is sorry and I guess wants to have a baby now (even though he expressed toxic worry that she’d love the baby more than him) 

He’s bumbling around the kitchen and all the worries of the day (kidnapping, extortion, marital incompatibility) are a thing of the past because Christian is making pasta!

He burned it so in addition to being overly controlling and not funny he is also bad at heating up sauce. 

They’re visiting his dead birth mom? 

He’s back at the piano and I am being treated to a montage which I guess covers all three movies.. Wow these two extremely incompatible people really do love each other.

Oh now they’re going to have sex. 

The movie ended with him walking in front of the camera with his jeans and her smiling. 

“You’re topping from the bottom, Mrs. Grey. But I can live with that.’- is the last line in this movie.

I’m bottoming at the bottom of Doug Ford’s Ontario.

WAIT

There’s an after credit scene of them with a baby and she’s pregnant again. Looks like everything worked out for the white billionaire couple with nary a shred of chemistry between them. That’s nice. 

The movie is over and what I have learned is, some days you feel nice and some days you feel bad and that’s the long and short of it. At least I’m not preg with a cuck millionaire’s child who controls my every move and wears jeans when we copulate. A silver lining indeed. 

Sorry if you read all that and thanks if you did. 

If you’re struggling in these weird strange times I suggest watching the worst movie you can find and drinking exactly two glasses of wine. 

This method is Welltried, and works. 

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